The Time I Failed at Negotiating My Salary

I’ve always had trouble asking for what I want (or even need). I won’t get in to the psychological analysis of that, but let’s just say I’ve been this way my whole life.

For my first 10 jobs, I accepted the first wage/salary that was offered to me. It’s not that I just ‘accepted’ the offer, I overly thanked the recruiter or hiring manager, making sure they knew how grateful I was and excited to join the team. I was a team player! 🥳. No trouble here, just a hard-working girl ready to make a difference.

Then, I had kids. Three of them. And a mortgage. And, well, life. And life is expensive. And life is supposed to be fun and full of adventure. And to make that happen, I needed to make sure I was getting paid fairly and equitably to my peers. And so, on my 11th job offer of my career - yes, the 11th - at a company I had been working at for 8 years and been hailed as a ‘valuable teammate & future leader’, I did a little research before accepting a promotion. I asked for the salary range for the position (the internal range, not the external range). I made a list of my achievements and skills that I brought to the role. And I wrote a gracefully-worded and humble email asking for my offer to be moved further in the pay range. No specific amount, just “further,” to reflect my skills and contributions. (note - I was offered the minimum amount of the pay range)

Instead of getting a higher offer, I was called in to a senior leader’s office and told that my email sounded like a “women’s power book” and that I clearly didn’t understand how compensation works, and maybe I wasn’t actually qualified for the position (in HR) if I didn’t understand compensation, and if I wanted the role, I could go to the hiring manager and apologize for sending the email and take the offer as is, or I could remain in my current role…. those were my options.

Yikes.

Negotiating sucks. Or maybe I suck at negotiating. Or maybe I’m really not qualified for HR. Or maybe I should just go back to my current job and be grateful… after I cry in my car a little…

Yes, this is a true story, friends. It was a day that I can still feel in my bones. It was a day I lost confidence in myself and developed a fear of senior leaders who are men. I never feared them before that day. In fact, I was always comfortable working with men. But that man made me feel as small as a mouse. And he made me cry. In his office. In front of him.

I’ve only told a few close friends that story, but I’m not hiding behind it any more. I titled this blog “the time I failed at negotiating,”, which is true in the negotiating sense, but I could also title it, “the time I lit a fire under my ass and became a bad-ass woman demanding respect and fair & equal pay for my time, expertise and leadership.” Because trust me when I say, I never accepted a low-ball offer — or disrespect — ever again.